Frustration within Growth

I think i've found that breaks are the hardest times for me to be happy and to be close with God. Somehow, though, this break I have been more consistent with my quiet times than i could ever have imagined and it feels amazing. It has sorta got me wondering though, why now? Why this Christmas am I suddenly feeling closer than ever to God and finally feeling like I can get to know Him like a long friend, keep building history with Him. I think I've finally broken down and been forced to trust Him and rely on Him more than ever. Going so many places over break and feeling Atlanta homesickness has left me closer to God simply by making me more alone and vulnerable. But with this great closeness to God, I keep wondering what I'm doing about it. I have missed so many chances to bring up God to my family...or to at least talk to them about things that are so important to me without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. I'm ashamed to be ashamed of God haha - I hate this in myself...why can't I be proud to want to go to christmas eve service even though my family doesn't want me to go...why can't I just be openly strong in my faith and not only live my faith but be willing to be vocal about my faith too...where do i draw the line between being obnoxiously vocal about God and being too ashamed to even mention Him...or worse to even avoid conversations about Him...I'm tired of being so afraid of discomfort...nothing will always be easy and comfortable - why would I expect God to be comfortable. I don't know where everyone else is this break with their families, but I feel like we all bring out the worst in each other. How can we build a family of unconditional love out of a family of separation and bitterness and past loss of trust. I want to be close to my family and want to see them...I want to share God, the most important thing/person/being/whatever you want to call Him, in my life with the people who i'm supposed to be the closest to. How do I share everything I've learned from God this past year and a half without making my family angry with me or without being ridiculed or made to feel stupid and young and innocent. I want to build up my family, but I want more for them to know God. How do I change this wanting into action? How do I live what I believe? How do I show them what I believe without pushing them away? If I'm the only one going through this or who can relate to this then I'm sorry for wasting your time...I hope everyone is having a safe and relaxing break. Merry Christmas of course.

GO JACKETS!!!

**Great job to everyone who worked the cookouts and thank you to those who supported the cookouts this year!!!**

Way to finish out a season!!!

Will I serve God for nothing?

so lately i've been struggling a lot with having a lot of questions and very few answers...i guess really that isn't a horrible thing it's just really hard for me to accept that fact that i won't always get a definite answer to my questions...anyway one particular one i've been struggling with has been how to switch from trying to follow God's will for my own benefit to trying to follow God's will simply to glorify Him. I feel like everything I do is centered around whether or not i'm comfortable or i'm happy. Even college...i'm so worried about what major i should be - what job i'll get when i graduate - but really why should it matter. Do i really believe that God can't use me no matter what job I have? of course not...then why do i worry about it so much. It's not that I'm worried that i won't be glorifying God...it's that i'm worried that i won't enjoy glorifying God or doing God's will won't be easy or painless. Pretty much all this worry is focused on me and my life and my goals and my happiness. At The Midtown Bridge Today, Larry spoke about Job. He brought up two big questions something around the lines of: Will a man serve God for nothing (if he loses everything)? and Is God still worthy to be served if you lose everything? I think those are incredibly important questions because honestly I don't think I could do what Job did. The littlest bumps in the road cause me to doubt God and wonder where He's gone and why He's not fixing the problem. One huge verse for me was Job 2:10 "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" I don't know a lot of times I think I yearn to know God really well...to really really know him as a friend and father - to know Him in a way I could never know friends I see every day. But then I think about it, and I think that it's going to hurt a lot if i want to really know Him. It's just like any relationship...I can't expect to know someone incredibly well and really get them without working at the relationship and going through struggles and ups and downs....why do i expect a relationship with God to be any different...I want to "dig in and know the heart and integrity of God" I want to serve him for nothing... or at least I want to want those things...what do you want?

Tide-To-Go-Pen

A crude joke here. A spot of bitterness there. A fresh blob of jealousy. I make a thorough mess of my life. My point is, I need the equivalent of a Tide-to-go-Pen for my life. All the little things that I choose to do that are instantly regretted upon the passing of that moment seem to be showing. I need something that removes the stains so that I can be on my way looking clean and hiding the mistakes I have made. Apologize. Laugh it off. Try to forget it. Be on my way.

This summer I worked camp. One week in a city off the coast of Mississippi, we attended the churches children's service. I was asked to do a demonstration of how bleach (Jesus) when added to Koolaid (sin) removes the color. I did the demonstration and made my point that Jesus takes all of our sins away like they were never there. Really? Like they were never there?

It is hard to let go. No one really can let go of everything however hard we like to think we can. Jesus took the punishment of ALL our sins. Past, present, future. However, He does leave us with a story. This story is the memory of all the stains. This story is what witnessing is all about. The cup that overfloweth. The forrest fire. The abundant love that we just can't contain. (Insert other Christianese metaphors.) Jesus came in because you let Him in. Jesus is the difference in you and your choices. Jesus is the reason you have a story to share. Sharing with anyone about how your story changed upon letting Jesus in is your witness.

The Truth is that all the big stains that you try to hide and the small blemishes that you ignore on your favorite shirt, however unpleasing to your eyes, are what give you a witness. A story. Share it.

What are you going through?

Have you been having trouble trusting God? When you pray do you really believe that what you ask for God will deliver? Do you truly turn to God for every one of your problems, not just the ones that are convenient for you? Why ... but no, really,...why do you pray? Who are you sharing God with today? What questions are you asking?

What is everyone going through right now? Post - Share - Discuss

uninspired and nothing new - interested yet?

So I've been thinking about what I should write about the Birmingham trip from fall break and to be completely honest I have been incredibly uninspired - not because the trip was uninspiring...quite the opposite actually...just because I feel like a lot of times everything's been said or that I am discovering things that everyone else has discovered many times before or that everyone has mastered a long time ago and I feel like that's my main issue lately. I focus on "mastering" parts of my life and checking them off of my check-list-o-life and then feel so accomplished and wonderful with myself. Maybe that's been my fatal mistake with my relationship with God lately. All I want to do is look at all of my flaws, recognize them, fix them, check them off, and move on. I want everything in my life - I want to be successful in school, a pro guitarist and worship leader, a genius yet also a creative thinker, and most of all I want to be liked by everyone. Maybe that's the issue - all this wanting. When we went to church on Sunday to David Platt's church I was incredibly bitter with life for no reason besides immaturity and selfishness and I was contemplating just leaving the service to go sit by myself for awhile and dwell in my poor poor life and how horrible everything was for me. But luckily I stayed because now looking back, David Platt's message was vital to getting me thinking on the right path that weekend. He spoke about giving up everything you have for God and how so many of us aren't willing to do that. I thought about that and my typical stupid self immediately decided that maybe I should stop buying things for myself and stop purchasing anything at all that makes me happy and to try to live a life completely for other people -and that's great in one way and giving up things money can be exactly what I'm supposed to do...but if my life ends up completely void of all satisfactiong, then I think that's exactly where I'm missing the point. One of Platt's main points was that "Jesus does not want to strip us of our pleasure; He wants to satisfy us with His treasure" and at the time I did not understand that one bit. I couldn't understand how me giving up everything that I have and everything that I love and enjoy could not be considered stripping me of my pleasure...I understood that in the end I will get a treasure far greater than anything I could ever hope for here on earth in the stupid ups and downs of life, but that still didn't change the fact that I was depriving myself or stripping myself of pleasure here right now in this moment. I can't say I totally get it now either but at least I feel like I have a better grasp on the situtation. Maybe this isn't what Platt meant and maybe this is actually the wrong way to look at things but I feel like maybe it's really an issue of what brings me pleasure - changing what I live for and changing where I draw my excitement and happiness from. I can still live with amazing joy and sense of accomplishment if I shift my focus on discipleship and really putting everything I have into other people and finding joy in their successes and accomplishments. In theory I love this idea, but I feel like for me it is not practical. I am human, therefore I am definitely not in any way, shape, form, universe, or way of thinking perfect. Therefore, especially for me personally, it is impossible for me to pour my entire self into other people without "snapping" eventually and becoming totally bitter towards the world for not returning all that my wonderful self-sacrificing, and entirely prideful self has given the world. I mentioned this when we were all at a park late at night the last day of the trip and it was great to just really think about how hard it is for us to pour ourselves into other people...how hard it is to be "glad and rejoice" even when we "are being poured out like a drink offering..." (haha I guess memorizing Philippians 2:1-18 at camp actually was useful...as much as I'm hesitant to admit it) But that's where God comes in and that's also where my answers stop and where I start to accept that "Our lack of knowing is the beginning of humility and the very essence of the spiritual life" (Messy Spirituality maybe? haha). Anyway I'm not sure if any of this is new, but if nothing else I feel like I have a little bit of a new outlook on life...I want to help other people and really truly not expect anything in return...and not hold grudges...and not think about what's best for me...but to sacrifice all of my relational and emotional and mental comforts for other people...and I know from 19 years of experience that I CAN NOT do that on my own...and the only way that will even sort of happen is if I continue to let God back into my life and completely believe He will do it...cause He will...in His own way...*awkward pause* *awkward face I always make at the ends of videos*

Caption Contest!

All in good fun, because we all love our Campus Minister Mike...

Post a comment for a funny caption for this picture... The best gets a cookie. :)

Have a great day!

-Adrianne

DISCIPLESHIP...NOW!!

Discipleship now...I really have no concept of what a d-now really is haha, but it has the word discipleship in it and therefore it's relevant right? I don't know, I just like the name. When I hear it I think of some old teacher staring at me with her face all scrunched up in frustration, arms waving through the air and eyes lasering a hole right through my heart screaming "DISCIPLESHIP....NOW!!!" Sometimes I wonder if that's the closest human approximation of what God feels when we don't follow his commands. Like he's sitting there making it so incredibly obvious what we can do to glorify Him in our individual lives, and yet we are just sitting there zoned out thinking "When's lunch?" or "I wonder if lasering is really even a word?" or "Why the heck is this even relevant?" If I can't even handle the frustration I feel with myself over all this, then how must God feel? I know that I can't really make these judgements on how God "feels" haha but I guess when I do make these kinds of judgements it helps me realize how stupid I'm being. Last Connector was all about discipleship and here I am halfway through it finding myself completely zoned out and not having any idea what I'm supposed to be getting out of it. Why can't I focus for even 10 minutes on something as important as God? I don't know, maybe I really am ADD and then I'd have a name to call it, but I really think I'm just not focused enough on what I need to be focused on. That's why writing things down is so important for me, and also why the sheet of paper that Cyndi handed out last Connector helped me collect my thoughts so much. It may seem trivial to receive a piece of paper with "I am becoming a disciple...I make disciples...in the way of Jesus" on it, but to me it was incredibly important. Cyndi talking about different people who just seem to know everything about everything and people who just know everyone really made me think about what kind of person I am. How am I becoming a disciple? How am I making disciples? And how am I doing this in the way of Jesus? I'm not sure if I have any definite answers yet, but I do feel like I've been resistant to becoming a disciple of the right people or right things lately. I almost would say I'm trying to be a disciple of myself lately and I'm really not OK with that. I say that I want to make disciples, even if that means putting myself out on a chopping block and risking my own security, but do I actually act like that? Sure, I work hard to increase my ring of friendship for my own benefit, but when do I even consider what God wants me to do? (He wants me to know haha...He's yelling it my direction) And why do I make it about my so called "ring of friendship" instead of recognizing the amazingly meaningful relationships I could be building? I don't know it just made me think on a tangent and so I thought maybe someone else might be thinking similar things. It's so easy to feel like we're the only ones going through things, even when we're hit over the head multiple times with examples of why we're not. If anyone took the time to read my randomness I'd love to hear opinions or just random thoughts or even completely irrelevant information. :-)

Confluence, again

So just now I heard Malisa tell me that on facebook they have an add to "make the perfect man...why search for mr. right when you can make him right now!"...that's ridiculously scary haha. Somehow though I think it's really apropriate with what hit me real hard about confluence this past weekend and connector tonight. Lately I've been living a me-based life and hating every minute of it. Here's a prime example of how I've been acting. In a way, I've told myself that no one fits the mold I feel they should fit so therefore no one gets me and no one is realiable and no one is how I wanted them created so I should just give up on them and deal soley with me. I pushed everyone out of my life (especially God) and the sad part is that I didn't even realize it. David Platt mentioned this weekend how sometimes we keep God at a distance but yet expect Him to give us all the blessings and comfort that come with a relationship with Him. RELATIONSHIP...I feel like I've drifted from that with God and Confluence allowed me to recognize that real quick. A lot of what David Hartley posted below really goes along with my experience from the weekend. When worship started the first day I was bitter and incapable of giving God the praise he deserved. I actually spent a whole song just staring at the floor thinking there is no way I can get back on my feet and let people back in my life without letting God back in, yet I can't do that either. I can't even worship or for goodness sake even pretend to worship Him at this point. Then David Platt spoke and he talked about our self-sufficient society and I was like woahhhh, God is crazy awesome. This is literally the exact thing that I have been hardcore struggling with for the past few weeks and even though to be honest I wasn't really that pumped for confluence either, I am SO incredibly glad I went. I can't say I have changed drastically and I will never again return to my prideful self and pretend like I can handle it all alone, but I feel like a new person now at least...a new person with a new outlook on how much I need God and how little He needs me...errr I should really say how He doesn't need me at all. I don't know...it hit hard...and connector just added to the point for me this week. Get out - be a friend - love - spread it. David Platt mentioned how that is God's plan for our life...and now here's Mike up front in connector talking about how we need to push out of our shells and comfortable apartments, dorms, whatever and just care about other people, no matter their background. Before I became a christian the only reason I understood evangelism at all is because I figured that these people truly believe that Christ has saved them and drastically changed their lives for the better and therefore they care about me enough to want to share in that with me. I figured that if they truly believed that and wasn't sharing Christ with me, then they didnt really care about me or didn't truly believe. Now I'm convicted by that all the time. Usually I just brush it off, but hopefully this past weekend and tonight's confluence will pop me out of my shell and get me to be brave and talk to people like I need to - like we all need to. God has put people in my life that I need to talk to and love on. I see them and recognize them but I refuse God's plan for me. That's crap and I hope I learn not to accept that and to strive for more. I hope everyone at the BCM feels the same way. Despite all of the crap we throw at God and all the stuff we keep Him out of, God really wants to use us. Let's make it happen.

Confluence

Wow, what a weekend. I think this is going to be a long post.

I have to admit, when I first signed up for Confluence I wasn't expecting anything spectacular. A conference in McDonough, GA on the same weekend as both GT Six Flags Night and a home football game didn't sound that much fun. It didn't help that I haven't missed a home football game since freshman year.

But still, to Confluence I went. It wasn't in Jekyll Island anymore and it wasn't called Fall Conference. I'm still not sure if the name change really means all that much in the long run. I think a big fancy name like Confluence might just sell short what really happened this weekend. If I had a chance to rename it, I might pick something like Long-Needed-Punch-In-The-Face-Fluence - you know, something clever like that. I'm sure we could pack the house with a name that catchy.

Our car was one of the last to arrive and we missed the (apparently) delicious BBQ served earlier. Still, we pulled up to this giant church parking lot and there were a boatload of excited people waiting for us. We heard yells, screams, shouts, and some sort of horn as we made our way inside. Inside, we were assaulted with high fives and assorted candies by people I've never seen before in my life. I wasn't really feeling the atmosphere at this point but I went along with it.

Steve Fee was a pretty awesome worship leader the whole weekend. I had seen him before at North Point and Buckhead church and always thought he was very talented. I understand that worship is what we make it, but Fee seems to have a gift for getting the people to connect to the words in his songs. He also understands our tendencies to shy away from true expressive worship. He did his best to call us out of our shells and into an authentic worship experience built only by the movement of the spirit.

But what really amazed me this weekend was David Platt. Actually, let me rephrase that. What really amazed me this weekend was the Holy Spirit's work through David Platt. I knew we were going to be in for a crazy weekend right from the first message. This guy wasn't pulling any punches. One of his first statements is bold and unnerving: God doesn't need us. He called us out immediately, asking if we could really claim a complete dependence on the Holy Spirit. Do I have a desperation for the Spirit of God? Woa - these were some hard questions.

Why must we be desperate for His presence? Here were David Platt's four main points:
1. We have an assignment we cannot fulfill.
2. We have a priviledge we cannot forsake
3. We have a family we cannot forget
4. We have a God that we cannot fathom.

This was a little shellshocking. It made me realize how easy it is to go on planning events, and living a religous life utterly devoid of the Holy Spirit. It left me feeling more than a little uneasy.

That night we checked into our hotel (the Microtel! Woo!) and headed off in large mass to the Waffle House within walking distance. We crowded into the booths there and shared in laughter and food.

Fast forward to the next morning as we shuffled out of our hotel, into cars, and finally into rows at the church. Steve Fee once again leads us in some awesome worship and David Platt walks slowly on to the stage. He spends some time talking about God's will and how not to do it. Here's some of what I wrote down on how NOT to find God's will:
- Not coincidences
- Not by picking random spots in the Bible
- Not by simply walking through open doors
- Not by avoiding closed doors
- Not the still small voice method

So how do we discern God's will? Platt tells us to turn to Matthew 28:16-20. This is the great commission. Uh-oh. This was another tough message to hear. Turns out God's will for our lives was written there in red letters at the end of Matthew. Platt continues to ask us tough questions about how we are fulfilling this great commandment in our own lives.

After the message we had a fine afternoon of relaxation. Most everyone went to Mellow Mushroom while a small group including myself ate at Zaxby's. I even managed to get in a nap afterwards, something I really needed.

Fast forward again to that night. Steve Fee once again seems to "get" authentic worship. But he's not the one I want to hear from at the moment. I'm waiting to hear from David Platt, to hear what his final points, to get to the bottom of this uneasiness in my heart.

Finally the time comes. Steadily, slowly Platt walks out onto the stage. He asks us to turn to Luke 9:57-62.

This is not an easy passage to teach. It talks about hard things that are difficult to understand. Give it a read and you'll see what I mean. Platt poses three questions based on this passage:

1. Will we choose comfort or will we choose the cross?
2. Will we settle for maintenance or will we sacrifice for mission?
3. Will our generation be marked by indecisive minds or undivided hearts?

Comfort vs. Cross. Maintenance vs. sacrifice. Indecisive minds vs. Undivided hearts. This is it: this is key. Christ is calling us to sacrifice all. Not some, not half, not most, all. I was filled with confusion over this: What can this possibly look like in my own life? Does this mean drop out of school? Move to Africa? Sell everything I have? The thoughts that rushed through my head were very confusing.

As we talked about the weekend later that night amongst our own group I realized that God had been saying many different things to us all. For some, they realized that they been convicted over playing a pretend religious life on the outside while the inside was turmoil. For others, I heard struggle over what to do with their lives when graduation came. Still others questioned what it meant to sacrifice it all and still had no answers.

I still don't have all the answers, but I figured out one thing God was saying to me.

I have a confession to make: I'm addicted to approval. I can't think of a better way to say it. The decisions I make on a day to day basis are largely motivated by my own selfish desire for others to approve of my actions. This means that, for the most part, I have worked my way into situations without the presence of the Holy Spirit as a guide. This realization both disturbs me and frees me. Though its not something I am happy about, knowing the source of this uneasiness I have felt on my heart frees me to give it up to Christ. Theres a reason I was able to leave McDonough with joy in my heart: Christ died for this sin too.

There's still more to be said about everything God has spoken about this weekend, yet, I cannot speak for all. I have seen the presence of the Holy Spirit working in people's hearts this weekend and it is a beautiful thing. I cannot wait to see where God is taking this thing from here.

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If you've got a story that you want to share about Confluence this weekend, feel free to leave a comment or send one of us an e-mail. You are welcome to keep anything you want to be posted here anonymous.

P.S. If you didn't make it to Confluence, you should check out Platt's sermons available here. Particularly check out 9/7/08 "What the Gospel demands." Its pretty close to what Platt was saying over the weekend.

Worship

Last night's Connector was all about Worship. One of the passages that Cyndi spoke about was from Nehemiah. When Ezra the scribe opened the Bible, an entire crowd rose to their feet. Then they all bowed to the ground to worship God. We're talking thousands of people. Wow.

For me, it was nice to get a reminder that worship isn't all about a band and some singing. Instead, worship can be done in so many ways... in fact, worship is a 24-7 act in response to God. We should worship God with every step we take during the day, in our interactions with others, in how we handle situations. Basically every single thing we do should be for God's glory.

It's hard to be that way, though. I often find myself making everything about me and my needs, and I become blind to the perils of those around me. I become selfish.

My prayer for myself and all of us is that we make our lives become a constant act of worship to God. I hope that we will know that God is present and desire to do nothing but glorify Him.

9/16/08 Connector

Hey everybody!

Sorry for the late post, but I've been busy doing some homework (as Georgia Tech students are occasionally found to do) until just now. Tonight we had the first Connector since this blog thing got started (as far as I'm aware), as well as the last Connector before Confluence (this weekend!).

Quite a number of individuals contributed to this week's Connector service, and it showed. We had great mini-speakers (that's what I'm calling 'em) in Brandon Cullum and Mike Whelan (as per usual), followed by a brief activity/game and a quality video from Will Marshall, Lindsay McCurdy, and Malisa Thompson. (Sorry about the parentheses and all the first/last name combos. It's just my thing.) After that we had some great leadership in Cyndi Forman with some moving speech (and tying in a good bit of scripture). To wrap it up, we had Charlie Hunter, Caitlin Collins, Andrew Harvard, Jonathan Barth, Oliver Albrecht, and Chris Mize (that's everybody, right?) lead us in 5 great worship songs in a top-notch performance that deserves everyone's congratulations. (Seriously! 5 songs in a row after a regular school day and an earlier practice? That takes some major stamina!)

From my perspective, as someone involved in the production of Connector this week (I handled the computer/projector display), I think things went great. If you'll allow me to geek out for a little bit, I'll elaborate. :) Instead of the usual Live Worship application we normally use for presenting the lyrics and announcements, Mark Lamb lent me the use of his MacBook Pro with Pro Presenter on it. After a really brief crash course, I got to use it for my first time while gearing up for Connector to start and was in a mad dash to get things ready in time. Especially the lyrics! I'm sorry for messing up a few times here and there, but I think I managed ok and I promise improvement next time it's my turn. I hope things went well enough from your perspective!

Finally, and slightly unrelated, this weekend is Confluence! This is the BCM's Fall conference, and should be great. It's not too late to sign up, so go by the BCM office ASAP and hand in your $82 if you want a spot.

I guess that's it for me tonight, everybody. I hope everyone who goes to Fall conference enjoys the weekend. For those of us not going, have a safe and blessed weekend, whether you're going to GT Night @ Six Flags, the Mississippi State game, both, neither, or anything else!

Peace,
Michael

Coming Aboard

Hey everyone!

For my first post on here I just wanted to say I'm glad to be a part of this and I'm hoping to have fun. In the future, I'll try to keep posts far more relevant and important. (Well, as important as anything I have to say ever can be anyways. :P )

Peace!

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First Attempt at Scrapbooking

So this is one of the things that inspired this blog... a way to make scrapbook pages freely available to anyone who wants to see them. (Not to mention that this is cheaper and easier.) So enjoy!

To view it full screen, click on the icon at the bottom right!



Look for more to come soon!

Welcome!

Welcome one and all to the first post of the new Georgia Tech BCM blog. I hope that we can use this to encourage one another and let everyone know what's going on here at the BCM!

-Adrianne