uninspired and nothing new - interested yet?

So I've been thinking about what I should write about the Birmingham trip from fall break and to be completely honest I have been incredibly uninspired - not because the trip was uninspiring...quite the opposite actually...just because I feel like a lot of times everything's been said or that I am discovering things that everyone else has discovered many times before or that everyone has mastered a long time ago and I feel like that's my main issue lately. I focus on "mastering" parts of my life and checking them off of my check-list-o-life and then feel so accomplished and wonderful with myself. Maybe that's been my fatal mistake with my relationship with God lately. All I want to do is look at all of my flaws, recognize them, fix them, check them off, and move on. I want everything in my life - I want to be successful in school, a pro guitarist and worship leader, a genius yet also a creative thinker, and most of all I want to be liked by everyone. Maybe that's the issue - all this wanting. When we went to church on Sunday to David Platt's church I was incredibly bitter with life for no reason besides immaturity and selfishness and I was contemplating just leaving the service to go sit by myself for awhile and dwell in my poor poor life and how horrible everything was for me. But luckily I stayed because now looking back, David Platt's message was vital to getting me thinking on the right path that weekend. He spoke about giving up everything you have for God and how so many of us aren't willing to do that. I thought about that and my typical stupid self immediately decided that maybe I should stop buying things for myself and stop purchasing anything at all that makes me happy and to try to live a life completely for other people -and that's great in one way and giving up things money can be exactly what I'm supposed to do...but if my life ends up completely void of all satisfactiong, then I think that's exactly where I'm missing the point. One of Platt's main points was that "Jesus does not want to strip us of our pleasure; He wants to satisfy us with His treasure" and at the time I did not understand that one bit. I couldn't understand how me giving up everything that I have and everything that I love and enjoy could not be considered stripping me of my pleasure...I understood that in the end I will get a treasure far greater than anything I could ever hope for here on earth in the stupid ups and downs of life, but that still didn't change the fact that I was depriving myself or stripping myself of pleasure here right now in this moment. I can't say I totally get it now either but at least I feel like I have a better grasp on the situtation. Maybe this isn't what Platt meant and maybe this is actually the wrong way to look at things but I feel like maybe it's really an issue of what brings me pleasure - changing what I live for and changing where I draw my excitement and happiness from. I can still live with amazing joy and sense of accomplishment if I shift my focus on discipleship and really putting everything I have into other people and finding joy in their successes and accomplishments. In theory I love this idea, but I feel like for me it is not practical. I am human, therefore I am definitely not in any way, shape, form, universe, or way of thinking perfect. Therefore, especially for me personally, it is impossible for me to pour my entire self into other people without "snapping" eventually and becoming totally bitter towards the world for not returning all that my wonderful self-sacrificing, and entirely prideful self has given the world. I mentioned this when we were all at a park late at night the last day of the trip and it was great to just really think about how hard it is for us to pour ourselves into other people...how hard it is to be "glad and rejoice" even when we "are being poured out like a drink offering..." (haha I guess memorizing Philippians 2:1-18 at camp actually was useful...as much as I'm hesitant to admit it) But that's where God comes in and that's also where my answers stop and where I start to accept that "Our lack of knowing is the beginning of humility and the very essence of the spiritual life" (Messy Spirituality maybe? haha). Anyway I'm not sure if any of this is new, but if nothing else I feel like I have a little bit of a new outlook on life...I want to help other people and really truly not expect anything in return...and not hold grudges...and not think about what's best for me...but to sacrifice all of my relational and emotional and mental comforts for other people...and I know from 19 years of experience that I CAN NOT do that on my own...and the only way that will even sort of happen is if I continue to let God back into my life and completely believe He will do it...cause He will...in His own way...*awkward pause* *awkward face I always make at the ends of videos*