Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Frustration within Growth
I think i've found that breaks are the hardest times for me to be happy and to be close with God. Somehow, though, this break I have been more consistent with my quiet times than i could ever have imagined and it feels amazing. It has sorta got me wondering though, why now? Why this Christmas am I suddenly feeling closer than ever to God and finally feeling like I can get to know Him like a long friend, keep building history with Him. I think I've finally broken down and been forced to trust Him and rely on Him more than ever. Going so many places over break and feeling Atlanta homesickness has left me closer to God simply by making me more alone and vulnerable. But with this great closeness to God, I keep wondering what I'm doing about it. I have missed so many chances to bring up God to my family...or to at least talk to them about things that are so important to me without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. I'm ashamed to be ashamed of God haha - I hate this in myself...why can't I be proud to want to go to christmas eve service even though my family doesn't want me to go...why can't I just be openly strong in my faith and not only live my faith but be willing to be vocal about my faith too...where do i draw the line between being obnoxiously vocal about God and being too ashamed to even mention Him...or worse to even avoid conversations about Him...I'm tired of being so afraid of discomfort...nothing will always be easy and comfortable - why would I expect God to be comfortable. I don't know where everyone else is this break with their families, but I feel like we all bring out the worst in each other. How can we build a family of unconditional love out of a family of separation and bitterness and past loss of trust. I want to be close to my family and want to see them...I want to share God, the most important thing/person/being/whatever you want to call Him, in my life with the people who i'm supposed to be the closest to. How do I share everything I've learned from God this past year and a half without making my family angry with me or without being ridiculed or made to feel stupid and young and innocent. I want to build up my family, but I want more for them to know God. How do I change this wanting into action? How do I live what I believe? How do I show them what I believe without pushing them away? If I'm the only one going through this or who can relate to this then I'm sorry for wasting your time...I hope everyone is having a safe and relaxing break. Merry Christmas of course.
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6 comments:
Regardless of our family backgrounds, we've all been there or are currently there, Beaz. I encourage you to do the small things, a prayer before a family meal, going to the Christmas Eve service, etc. so long as it doesn't stir too many hard feelings. You don't want to miss the opportunity to show what God has done in your life, but a huge discussion in front of the family where it seems to be you vs. everybody else is a huge challenge that no one wants to face. Try to pick small battles and pray that God be with you as you share your life change. You didn't change in a day or year and neither will your family. But, God will use you because you are willing. Praying for you. Have a joyous Christmas! -DLW
thanks! you too :-)
I'm not going to lie, I was relieved when I read the beginning of your post. It's not that I'm glad to hear that breaks are the hardest times for you to be happy and close to God, it's just that I've been thinking the exact same thing. Maybe it's my cousins all being married now, or me just being away from everyone, but breaks are a time where loneliness is a huge struggle for me. It's amazing to hear that you are finding a unique closeness with God during this break. I pray that I will be able to live that as the break continues.
And yes, families most definitely find a way to bring out the worst in each other (some of those times being 10 hour car rides, everyone wants to go to Wendy's for lunch except for one sister who just wants to piss people off, dad is pissed at and disappointed in his son cause the son didn't make detailed plans for Overflow travel arrangements and isn't being responsible with his life, mom is griping that dad is griping, and the well-hearted loving peaceful son is sad cause his ipod broke and he can't escape the madness...) And this is only the first 30 minutes of the car ride. I've never cussed at my family, but I can't say I haven't been oh so tempted to on this trip. All this trouble starting mainly over a mission trip too, weird right?
So I guess families will be families. I will be praying for you to have courage, wisdom, and love (and whatever else you may end up needing like tranquilizer darts or sleeping pills, haha). Also, back a while ago North Point did a sermon series called Fight Club which was all about family relationships and I'm pretty sure a couple of the messages in the series hit on sharing God with their families pretty hard. It was a pretty tough series cause it got pretty real, it might be something worth finding (I didn't see it on their main website, but it might be floating around the internet somewhere).
Be diligent in pursuing closeness with God and know that you learning to trust God in the midst of brokenness and loneliness is a huge encouragement to me as I am walking through that same valley. I wish I could offer something more than a taste of the story of my life right now, and I'm sure my family trouble sounds like nothing, but it's what I've got. Thank you again for your openness. Merry Christmas in Eastern time. Merry Christmas in 30 minutes in Central time.
I feel like this comment should have a table of contents and an index. Maybe next time.
wow Zach that was awesome...thank you for being willing to be open too...I'm sorry that you (or the hypothetical person in your post haha) are having trouble with family but i'll definitely be praying for you and the hypothetical family...thanks for the North Point suggestion...i'll definitely have to look that up...good luck with the loneliness...as much as I feel like I"m really getting close to God, as the break goes on I do feel more and more homesick and lonely so at least know you're not alone. I hope you can find comfort...although this is way easier said than done...in the fact that God seriously really is always with you...I will attempt to write in sentences next time instead of random thoughts...not too much longer now and we'll all be back at tech complaining about all the work and classes haha...merry christmas and stay strong!
-beaz
ps - tranquilizer darts might be appreciated soon haha ...
Hey Beaz,
I don't know why, but it just happened that I randomly checked the blog today, and I want to say that I am deeply moved by what you have written, because I can relate to what you are feeling. For some unknown reason, I am always ashamed to tell people about my family who doesn't have a personal relationship with Jesus; maybe it's because I feel like I'm one of the only ones going through it. Or maybe it's because I'm scared of what people will think of me when they ask if I have tried to do anything to change it. I'd just shrug my shoulders, and I would appear like the most apathetic person in the world. But it feels comforting to have someone open up and let me know that I am not the only one going through this. And Zach, I can relate to your story of the car ride as well. Sometimes I just don't get it how horrible confrontations can happen after events like going to church or returning from an amazing worship experience.
But if I may offer some encouragement (and to myself as well), just know that you are not alone in this battle. We are all in this same journey together, and we are here to lift each other up. I'm not sure about this, but it seems to me that one major tactic of the enemy is to get all of us into thinking that we are alone and no one else cares. In that place, our only defense is to forget about the problem, block it from our minds, and ignore it. I know all too well what that feels like. I think Satan's idea of a perfect body of Christ is one with a bunch of happy-go-lucky Christians who never say what's on their heart, always feel compelled to put on a nice Christian facade, and are content with simply attending Christian church and worship services because that's what being a Christian is all about. A place where everyone is play-acting the part because they know nothing else. I am relieved to know that I don't have to be in that place, or have that fear that everyone would look down on you if you reveal a slight blemish in your life. It's really encouraging to see how the opposite happens, how one person willing to be vulnerable draws out the same from everyone else.
I can feel your pain about not know how or not having the courage to share God with your family. Sometimes I just feel like there is nothing I can do. The closer I grow to God and the more joy I get feel from that relationship, the more I want my family to experience this same joy; yet my lack of ability to invite them to that joy leaves me frustrated. I wish I had all the answers to why things are the way they are. Am I not trying hard enough? Does God love my family as much as He says? Is this some sort of faith test? Will my family ever experience the Kingdom of God? But sometimes amid this confusion, we have no choice but to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus, even if it hurts. I found it interesting how sometimes the Psalms mentions offering sacrifices of praise--can you believe that, sacrifices! It's easy to praise when things are going good, but when things are hard and we lay praises at the feet of Jesus, we suddenly bring him a gift that actually costs us something, something precious. Yet I believe that is exactly the kind of response God is looking for. When we praise God in times of drought, we take our eyes off of the problem and focus it on the solution. It's like saying, "God, I don't know why everything is the way it is. And I don't feel like there is anything that I can do about it. I feel confused and lost, but I still will praise you because of who you are. And I know because of who you are, you are capable of winning this battle for me. I know you are capable of giving me the power to do what you want me to do. I praise you because you are always with me, even when I don't feel it." Hard stuff to say, I know, especially for me during those moments when I just don't feel like it. Kind of puts meaning into the words "Blessed be your name, when I'm found in that desert place . . . when there's pain in the offering", doesn't it? No wonder the Bible compares praise to warfare; at times disheartening and tough--but rewarding because in the end we are declaring who we know is fighting on our side.
If I may leave one last random comment, I'm sure Moses might have had the same thoughts that you and I have had. His people were in slavery, he was chased out of his home, and he tended sheep in the desert for some fortyish years! Talk about a long period of time to question whether God cared or not. And even when God responds and empowers Moses to free his people, the more Moses pursued God's will the more Pharaoh tightened his grip on the Israelites (maybe this can be analogous to going on a missions trip or going to a Christmas eve service). I'm sure many of them just wanted Moses to go away and leave them alone. But he didn't give up, and in the end, God delivers. And I find that story very comforting, also because I know that Moses was just a regular scrub like the rest of us. It's not like he is special and we are not; on the contrary, Jesus said that we are capable through God's strength of doing things even greater things than he did on earth. Whatever that means, it must be true. Our God promised to not leave us powerless; He promised that we are never alone. Let's hope in that together and praise Him because He is the deliverer. Well, I guess I'll leave it at that.
Sorry for such a long post; I wasn't planning on staying up late to write a novel. But I hope this gives some nuggets of encouragement to whoever might be reading this. Anyways, I hope you had a good break regardless, and I look forward to talking to you and everyone else soon. Right now, I'm going to bed :).
Wow, thank you Michael...that was incredibly encouraging...I agree it's a really hard process and just know that you sharing that has helped me too to feel better about sharing things with you guys. And thanks so much for the comments on Blessed Be Your Name and Moses. I have never viewed that song that way and to be honest I think most of the time I totally miss the lyrics and the point. Thanks for giving me a kick in the butt on that one. And it feels amazing to realize that yes, we aren't alone...even Moses might have felt this way. You're awesome thanks to everyone for making this such and awesome place to think and figure stuff out.
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