Chia Yearbook

I have never felt as completely reliant on God as I do now. I have never felt so horribly vulnerable and terrified. It feels horrible and unbearable, yet amazing at the same time and my tiny little brain can't comprehend how it's possible. I can't say that I frequently want to go through what I'm going through now in order to be closer to God...but I feel like God is growing me so much. It's like in the princess bride when they put him in that stretching machine. I feel like life has me by both wrists (yes i know...wrists...) and both ankles and refuses to let go. But I'm growing. Growing sucks. Growing hurts. Growing is just an overall poopy experience. But I'm growing. I'm giving it to God. Or at least I'm giving a little tiny bit to God every day. As much as I'm capable of giving that day. And one day He'll have the whole thing...even if that's not till the last second before I die...at least He'll have it. He'll have me and everything I stand for and everything I am and everything I think is so incredibly important now but as it turns out, won't even matter in a year or two or 20. I'm giving it to Him. I don't even know what that means, but I'm doing it. Or at least I think I am. I want to. I need to. I don't feel purposefull right now. But I'm growing. I have boughts of depression for stupid reasons if any reason at all. But I'm growing. I asked God a couple months ago to allow me to REALLY get to know Him. I was terrified what would happen after I prayed that. I semi-expected spouts of lava to shoot up through the floor of my room in some supernatural feat of nature and cause me to cling to the side of North Ave and then as I was about to be skewered to death by the tree below, have an angel fly down and show me a picture of God's high school year book with a cheesy "HAGS" signature by me and my so inconsistent friendship and laugh at the irony of me seeing God's "face" only moments before I would see His face for all of eternity. That's not dramatic at all. The point is that I had no idea what the heck He was gonna do but I was pretty 200% certain it wasn't going to be an easy answered prayer. I was right (for once haha) and it hurts. But I'm growing. And I'm glad I asked to know Him. I'm glad I have close friends to cry on and to love and to share with. I'm glad I know Him the tiniest bit more. I'm growing...heck I'm GROWING...how freaking awesome is it that God is growing me...of all people...me. Let's grow together. Let's grow the BCM. Easy is boring. Easy is really nice some times aka all the time but easy is boring. Let's grow and take the hard route and have bitter thoughts and hate people sometimes and not ever want to talk to God again...but then feel that wonderful downfall till trust in God is necessary so you don't go insane. Let's feel it. Let's grow the BCM together. Why are we so content with what we've already done. Let's fail a million times before we succeed together. Let's fall together. God's waiting for us to sign His yearbook...with more than just a "H.A.G.S"...why aren't we willing?