uninspired and nothing new - interested yet?

So I've been thinking about what I should write about the Birmingham trip from fall break and to be completely honest I have been incredibly uninspired - not because the trip was uninspiring...quite the opposite actually...just because I feel like a lot of times everything's been said or that I am discovering things that everyone else has discovered many times before or that everyone has mastered a long time ago and I feel like that's my main issue lately. I focus on "mastering" parts of my life and checking them off of my check-list-o-life and then feel so accomplished and wonderful with myself. Maybe that's been my fatal mistake with my relationship with God lately. All I want to do is look at all of my flaws, recognize them, fix them, check them off, and move on. I want everything in my life - I want to be successful in school, a pro guitarist and worship leader, a genius yet also a creative thinker, and most of all I want to be liked by everyone. Maybe that's the issue - all this wanting. When we went to church on Sunday to David Platt's church I was incredibly bitter with life for no reason besides immaturity and selfishness and I was contemplating just leaving the service to go sit by myself for awhile and dwell in my poor poor life and how horrible everything was for me. But luckily I stayed because now looking back, David Platt's message was vital to getting me thinking on the right path that weekend. He spoke about giving up everything you have for God and how so many of us aren't willing to do that. I thought about that and my typical stupid self immediately decided that maybe I should stop buying things for myself and stop purchasing anything at all that makes me happy and to try to live a life completely for other people -and that's great in one way and giving up things money can be exactly what I'm supposed to do...but if my life ends up completely void of all satisfactiong, then I think that's exactly where I'm missing the point. One of Platt's main points was that "Jesus does not want to strip us of our pleasure; He wants to satisfy us with His treasure" and at the time I did not understand that one bit. I couldn't understand how me giving up everything that I have and everything that I love and enjoy could not be considered stripping me of my pleasure...I understood that in the end I will get a treasure far greater than anything I could ever hope for here on earth in the stupid ups and downs of life, but that still didn't change the fact that I was depriving myself or stripping myself of pleasure here right now in this moment. I can't say I totally get it now either but at least I feel like I have a better grasp on the situtation. Maybe this isn't what Platt meant and maybe this is actually the wrong way to look at things but I feel like maybe it's really an issue of what brings me pleasure - changing what I live for and changing where I draw my excitement and happiness from. I can still live with amazing joy and sense of accomplishment if I shift my focus on discipleship and really putting everything I have into other people and finding joy in their successes and accomplishments. In theory I love this idea, but I feel like for me it is not practical. I am human, therefore I am definitely not in any way, shape, form, universe, or way of thinking perfect. Therefore, especially for me personally, it is impossible for me to pour my entire self into other people without "snapping" eventually and becoming totally bitter towards the world for not returning all that my wonderful self-sacrificing, and entirely prideful self has given the world. I mentioned this when we were all at a park late at night the last day of the trip and it was great to just really think about how hard it is for us to pour ourselves into other people...how hard it is to be "glad and rejoice" even when we "are being poured out like a drink offering..." (haha I guess memorizing Philippians 2:1-18 at camp actually was useful...as much as I'm hesitant to admit it) But that's where God comes in and that's also where my answers stop and where I start to accept that "Our lack of knowing is the beginning of humility and the very essence of the spiritual life" (Messy Spirituality maybe? haha). Anyway I'm not sure if any of this is new, but if nothing else I feel like I have a little bit of a new outlook on life...I want to help other people and really truly not expect anything in return...and not hold grudges...and not think about what's best for me...but to sacrifice all of my relational and emotional and mental comforts for other people...and I know from 19 years of experience that I CAN NOT do that on my own...and the only way that will even sort of happen is if I continue to let God back into my life and completely believe He will do it...cause He will...in His own way...*awkward pause* *awkward face I always make at the ends of videos*

Caption Contest!

All in good fun, because we all love our Campus Minister Mike...

Post a comment for a funny caption for this picture... The best gets a cookie. :)

Have a great day!

-Adrianne

DISCIPLESHIP...NOW!!

Discipleship now...I really have no concept of what a d-now really is haha, but it has the word discipleship in it and therefore it's relevant right? I don't know, I just like the name. When I hear it I think of some old teacher staring at me with her face all scrunched up in frustration, arms waving through the air and eyes lasering a hole right through my heart screaming "DISCIPLESHIP....NOW!!!" Sometimes I wonder if that's the closest human approximation of what God feels when we don't follow his commands. Like he's sitting there making it so incredibly obvious what we can do to glorify Him in our individual lives, and yet we are just sitting there zoned out thinking "When's lunch?" or "I wonder if lasering is really even a word?" or "Why the heck is this even relevant?" If I can't even handle the frustration I feel with myself over all this, then how must God feel? I know that I can't really make these judgements on how God "feels" haha but I guess when I do make these kinds of judgements it helps me realize how stupid I'm being. Last Connector was all about discipleship and here I am halfway through it finding myself completely zoned out and not having any idea what I'm supposed to be getting out of it. Why can't I focus for even 10 minutes on something as important as God? I don't know, maybe I really am ADD and then I'd have a name to call it, but I really think I'm just not focused enough on what I need to be focused on. That's why writing things down is so important for me, and also why the sheet of paper that Cyndi handed out last Connector helped me collect my thoughts so much. It may seem trivial to receive a piece of paper with "I am becoming a disciple...I make disciples...in the way of Jesus" on it, but to me it was incredibly important. Cyndi talking about different people who just seem to know everything about everything and people who just know everyone really made me think about what kind of person I am. How am I becoming a disciple? How am I making disciples? And how am I doing this in the way of Jesus? I'm not sure if I have any definite answers yet, but I do feel like I've been resistant to becoming a disciple of the right people or right things lately. I almost would say I'm trying to be a disciple of myself lately and I'm really not OK with that. I say that I want to make disciples, even if that means putting myself out on a chopping block and risking my own security, but do I actually act like that? Sure, I work hard to increase my ring of friendship for my own benefit, but when do I even consider what God wants me to do? (He wants me to know haha...He's yelling it my direction) And why do I make it about my so called "ring of friendship" instead of recognizing the amazingly meaningful relationships I could be building? I don't know it just made me think on a tangent and so I thought maybe someone else might be thinking similar things. It's so easy to feel like we're the only ones going through things, even when we're hit over the head multiple times with examples of why we're not. If anyone took the time to read my randomness I'd love to hear opinions or just random thoughts or even completely irrelevant information. :-)